I learned a lot in India about why we make assumptions, fundamental attribution errors and the effects of cultural experiences on our world views. Well, Chetan was right, if traveling halfway around the world doesn't change you, what is the point? It wasn't all stuff that I was completely oblivious to before I left, but understanding something in the abstract or with limited experiences is certainly different than learning things in reality. It's much like the difference between knowing sail trim in theory and going sailing.
Suraj and I had a long talk after I got back about many of these thing. One which I have always complained to him about was a particular incident where Luv made grand assumptions about my intentions because I cleaned his tub. It's a silly and trivial thing, but it made a big impact on me because I simply could not understand why he failed to believe my reasoning and motives. I attributed this failure to youth, but I had to re-assess my own assumptions about that. I failed to believe his too.
My motives seemed so clear, so plain, so unassuming, so unloaded to me. To him, I think it seemed like I was moving in. I had said, quite clearly (I thought) that I cleaned the tub because I wanted to take a bath and it was dirty. He was busy and I didn't want to bother him. He looked at me like I was insane. He insisted that he felt I had other motivations. I was insulted. It wasn't that he handled the conversation about his feeling poorly. It wasn't that there was yelling or yuckiness. But I knew he thought I was lying and being insensitive to his feelings. I felt the same. After all, why would I lie about something so trivial?
I saw a grand total of one bathtub in India - at the fancy ITC hotel in Agra. I saw that there were people who came in and cleaned for you. I saw a lot of Indian girls making their claims to their men by assuming house hold duties. I saw a lot of pressure to jump immediately into marriage. I saw a society where family is paramount. I saw a place where my concept of 'modernity' was far, far different than theirs. Knowing of these things and seeing them in small doses here in the US is nothing like being awash in them in a foreign country.
I said to Suraj, "How could he have not thought that my answer was crazy? Who takes a bath, let alone cleans the tub themselves in India? That's crazy. This is what girls do when they want to claim their man. I get it now. I thought he was childish and completely over-reacting. But I see now, how in his mind, he wasn't..."
He laughed.
There are so many things that we do not realize are deeply embedded in our view of the world and of self which are culture driven. Other cultures have a lot to teach us about our own if we are willing to let them. I would suggest that perhaps the root of most mis-understanding and conflict is when we hold other people too tight to our version of "the truth". If you truly want to understand, seek out foundations their truth...
(Sorry, I still haven't loaded my pictures...I have received your requests, and I offer only one reason: I'm on IST.)
Suraj and I had a long talk after I got back about many of these thing. One which I have always complained to him about was a particular incident where Luv made grand assumptions about my intentions because I cleaned his tub. It's a silly and trivial thing, but it made a big impact on me because I simply could not understand why he failed to believe my reasoning and motives. I attributed this failure to youth, but I had to re-assess my own assumptions about that. I failed to believe his too.
My motives seemed so clear, so plain, so unassuming, so unloaded to me. To him, I think it seemed like I was moving in. I had said, quite clearly (I thought) that I cleaned the tub because I wanted to take a bath and it was dirty. He was busy and I didn't want to bother him. He looked at me like I was insane. He insisted that he felt I had other motivations. I was insulted. It wasn't that he handled the conversation about his feeling poorly. It wasn't that there was yelling or yuckiness. But I knew he thought I was lying and being insensitive to his feelings. I felt the same. After all, why would I lie about something so trivial?
I saw a grand total of one bathtub in India - at the fancy ITC hotel in Agra. I saw that there were people who came in and cleaned for you. I saw a lot of Indian girls making their claims to their men by assuming house hold duties. I saw a lot of pressure to jump immediately into marriage. I saw a society where family is paramount. I saw a place where my concept of 'modernity' was far, far different than theirs. Knowing of these things and seeing them in small doses here in the US is nothing like being awash in them in a foreign country.
I said to Suraj, "How could he have not thought that my answer was crazy? Who takes a bath, let alone cleans the tub themselves in India? That's crazy. This is what girls do when they want to claim their man. I get it now. I thought he was childish and completely over-reacting. But I see now, how in his mind, he wasn't..."
He laughed.
There are so many things that we do not realize are deeply embedded in our view of the world and of self which are culture driven. Other cultures have a lot to teach us about our own if we are willing to let them. I would suggest that perhaps the root of most mis-understanding and conflict is when we hold other people too tight to our version of "the truth". If you truly want to understand, seek out foundations their truth...
(Sorry, I still haven't loaded my pictures...I have received your requests, and I offer only one reason: I'm on IST.)
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