Love on IST

I've been saying I learned a lot about love in India, so I guess it's time to explain a bit.

My new friend from Varanasi came to visit me here and we had a long discussion on cross-cultural relationships yesterday. What we both came to realize is that Indian's rely very much on un-spoken cultural norms and rules and family ties to help them negotiate the difficult path of love. Here, we have nothing of the sort; anything goes. The only values that I can be assured that American men hold is one of freedom. And this means the freedom to walk out for no reason or for whatever reason, whenever. There are no ties, no one to hold you responsible. In some cases, such as abuse, I think this is necessary. But in the majority of cases, it creates anxiety, hostility, conflicting interests and an easy-come-easy-go attitude. Hence, our world class divorce rate. We are a self-absorbed nation and weather we like it or not, the primary value in our relationships is not 'us', it is 'me'.

I am no less a product of this culture than anyone else. All I can do is try expand my horizons and understanding. But I can tell you, it's not easy for me. I can imagine that it is not easy either for someone like Luv who might not really even understand the roots of his own cultural habits. Or for people like my friend from Varanasi who had lived so long in India that, like me, encountering such drastically different perspectives as an adult is almost shocking. After all, most of us are rarely aware of our own assumptions and habits until we see them in contrast to something else.

The only thing we have to rely on here is communication between two people. Unfortunately, for Luv and myself (as well as plenty of others, I'm sure) we were working on different social systems. Since we were in the US and I had never been to India, there was no way for me to understand, no basis of belief for me that he would be back after a disagreement if I simply shut up and walked away. This, in my experience, is how people behave when they want to leave a relationship, communication ends...relationship ends, friendship ends. If we had been in India or if I had gone there, I might have seen how other Indian men and women interact. I might have understood that there are other things in other places besides communication that keep people together. Things we simply don't have here. Had he seen me interact with my friends, he might have seen that is it not just the message but also the delivery that is key to the 'magic' between two people here. In order to have a good relationship in the US you must have an extremely sophisticated communication system which might seem cumbersome, frivolous and unnecessary to someone who has (or believes they have) other things to rely on. This goes for both friends and lovers.

In American culture it is often difficult to inject humor into an argument. I have watched Chetan and Sharanya do this often and wondered why it comes so easily to them. In India, laughter during an argument or heated discussion seems to be the cue that you care, that you will not become too serious or make things more difficult than necessary. In the US, laughter during an argument or discussion is most often a cue that you don't care, the topic is irreverent to you or that you don't take the other person seriously. When communication is all you have, people take it very seriously. When you have other things, like a strong and unspoken value of "us" instead of just "me", you can lighten up your disagreements without fear of being seen as caviler, without fear of a break in communication as the end of a relationship.

It might also be said that Indian's have a different time frame for relationships than we do in the US. There seems to be a general assumption that once you are dating someone you are THERE, but for us divorce-obsessed Americans, the assumption is that you might not be there tomorrow. Hence, we do a lot of checking in - "How are you?  How are things? Are you alright?" We check our status often. I was aware of this when I dated Luv, but I never really understood it from his perspective.  And we have a very different concept of 'detachment' than Indian's do. "Detached" in the Indian sense, does not necessarily mean unloved or gone, it is better understood as 'unserious' or as holding your own center. In the US, unloved and/or gone is exactly what it means.

So, I have asked myself, what does all this mean for me (or for us)? First, it illustrates how very far I have to go in developing any sort of functional cross-cultural relationships. That is daunting in some senses, but being an amateur is also exciting, as you have unexplored places to go. Second, it means that contrary to my prior belief that if I just learned to be a better communicator and be with people who are good communicators, things would function as they should. That is not necessarily true with someone from another culture. I also need to understand and rely on the unseen, unheard things; I need to learn to interpret the subtle ways other cultures communicate so that I can read them "like magic" (as Luv might like to say) the way I can interpret those cues from my own culture; I need to continue to question my assumptions and I need to learn to describe my own cultural norms in ways that are comprehensible to someone who is unfamiliar with it.

Love may be a universal feeling, but the ways we deal with and cultivate it is very dependent on our personal experiences and cultural norms. 

Krishna's Butter Ball

I was a bit sad that there were not many festivals going on when I was in India. But, luckily, there is a holiday almost every day in there. One evening Pati informed us that it was Krishna's birthday, also known as Krishnashtami, Gokulashtami, Ashtami Rohini, Srikrishna Jayanti, Sree Jayanti or sometimes merely as Janmashtami. Sharanya squealed with delight and we were all ushered outside to the porch.

Sri Krishna is the 8th Avatar (representation) of Vishnu. As a symbol, Krishna, very clearly, represents the impulse of life. Many people mistake Hinduism as having multiple gods, but this is not really the case. All of these "gods" represent aspects of creation. Brahma is the act of creation, Vishnu is the preserver of life and Shiva is the destroyer of life. Each of these three aspects of nature are seen as inseparable and each avatar of these three gods represents the physical form, a sort of detail of their nature. It is as if you are viewing one god or one concept from multiple perspectives. Krishna is very much about love and the celestial play of creation. 

Pati had drawn some new Kolams on the front porch and she instructed us on what to do. 

Much like St. Patrick's day we then made Krishna's foot prints leading from the porch, up the stairs, through the living room and into the kitchen where the mischievous little god could find some sweet butter. The story goes that baby Krishna loved to sneak into the kitchen and steal butter. There are many different interpretations of this, but the essence of this story is tasting the richness and sweetness of life. Although in the Mahabharata, Krishna gives Arjun a lecture on doing his social duty, the stories of Krishna himself are those of someone who likes to break the rules. If we are sophisticated in our understanding, we might regard the stories of Krishna similar to Nietzsche's prelude to Thus Spoke Zarathustra - that learning your social duty, then breaking the rules in a way that brings vitality back to your life and your society is the path we all must take to grow. 

Pati showed us how to dip our hands into the rice-paste and make the sole of Krishna's foot, then with our fingertips, we made his toes. 

Nyasha, Sharanya and I have substantially larger hands than the average Indian woman. When we were finished, Pati looked at our foot prints and proclaimed, "Oh, we have had a healthy Krishna visit our house today... it's good luck." Sharanya's mom appeared out of the kitchen and plopped a glob of sweet butter in our hands. I'm not sure what all was in it, but it was delicious and I licked my fingers clean. 

The little foot prints dried to a bright, chalky white even against the white tile floor in the house. As you can see from the pictures below, baby Krishna is not the only representation of this god. He is also represented as the god of love with his consort, Radha. Although I didn't meet anyone special, as Suraj had hoped for me, love is something I learned a lot about in India. 

Don't be afraid to eat the food

Something I was told, causally, by many people over the years is how different North India and South India are. Different dress, different food, different outlooks, different names, different history, different reality. Learning the details of what that means was one of the most charming parts of my trip. Lets start with the food.

I was warned many times about the food and being careful and I did get a bit of a tummy ache toward the end of the trip. Let me tell you now, you would be a fool to go to India and not eat local.

I have also been told that South Indian food is much spicier than North Indian food, but it wasn't my experience there. Due to a small sample set, I suppose. I was lucky enough to have Sharanya's mom's home cooking for most of the time I was in India. She made typical South Indian fare and asked that we at least try it. She got no argument from me.

An average South Indian dinner might consist of curd (home made yogurt) or curd rice,  some sort of Subzi (vegetable dish), Dal, Rasam, and tea with Keer for desert. Idilis are common for breakfast as well as Upma (my personal favorite). For regular dinner we ate at the table, but for the special occasions, each dish was served on a banana leaf and sometimes eaten on the floor. The dishes contained more coconut and peanut variations and hardly any bread.

Brahmin families typically eat vegetarian, as was the case with Sharanya's family. There are also restrictions on onions and garlic, particularly near temples. But, no worries, the temples make their own food too. The have little snack shacks right inside the temples where you can get treats. Temple rice, called pulihora or tamarind rice, comes wrapped in a little bit of banana leaf and tied with a string. We got these little beauties at Parthasarathy temple. 

North Indian food might also consist of dal, rice and curd, but it will include much more bread like paratha and naan. I had the best paneer (cheese) I have ever eaten at Chetan's house in the Paneer Makhani. It absolutely melted in my mouth. I could kick myself for not talking a picture of the wonderful lunch spread Chetan's mom had laid out for us when we arrived in Delhi.

My favorite food experience was the Chaat Shop that Sharanya, Padma and I went to one afternoon. I had to try the Pani Puri...I was not disappointed. I'm sorry, Naveen, but it was even better than yours - which has been my gold standard till now.

We got our ticket and then stood at the counter while the cook assembled them right there, dipped them into the water and plopped them in a little metal bowl. You have to pop the whole thing into your mouth so it burst open and all the flavors mingle together.

Then I had the Aloo Papdi Chaat which I practically inhaled. You can see how it is made at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FBEuSEwVpM. If any of you entrepreneurs out there want to make a lot of money, I suggest opening a Chaat Shop...perhaps a local chain. If you simply can't wait for someone to do that and you can't afford a ticket to Madras, your best bet for good Chaat and South Indian food here is still my friend Naveen. 

I would say I'm sorry that I do not have more food pictures for you all, but it's because my hands were busy most of the time putting all that yummy stuff into my mouth. I just don't feel the need to apologize for that...  :)

San Thome

San Thome Basilica is a Roman Catholic (Latin Rite) minor basilica in Santhome, in the city of Chennai (Madras), India. It was built in the 16th century by Portuguese explorers, and rebuilt again with the status of a cathedral by the British in 1893. The British version still stands today. It was designed in Neo-Gothic style, favoured by British architects in the late 19th century.

San Thome Basilica is the principal church of the Madras-Mylapore Catholic Archdiocese. In 1956, Pope Pius XII raised the church to the status of a Minor Basilica, and on February 11, 2006, it was declared a national shrine by the Catholic Bishops' Conference of India. 

The National Shrine of St.Thomas Basilica is built over the tomb of Apostle St.Thomas. St.Thomas one of the twelve Apostles of Jesus Christ came to India in A.D.52, martyred in A.D.72 and was buried here in  Mylapore.
There are only three basilicas built over the tomb of an apostle. St.Peter's at Rome and St.Jame's at Spain (Compestella, Santiago)  are the other two.
There is an underground tomb chapel below the Basilica. His Holiness Pope John Paul II visited and prayed at this tomb on 5th February 1986. St.Thomas who brought christianity to india is considered to be the Father of Indian Christianity. (from the official website)

I found San Thome (as it's called in Madras) to be an intriguing place. At the back of this church is a museum that houses relics from the previous churches built on this site. Although Suraj tells me that some India "historical facts" might not be well researched, the artifacts in the museum were certainly interesting to me. 

I suspect that Nyasha might have gotten a bit tired of me pointing out different mythological motifs and similarities. I found exactly what Joseph Campbell told me I would find (well, not me personally, of course) at every single religious site I went to in India. The cave, the sacrifice, and the guardians of knowledge. As I was browsing through the remains of the previous church I found the 'guardians of the gate' depicted in stone and they were exactly like the one's I saw at Sarnath in the remains of the buddhist temple. Unfortunately, they won't let you take pictures in the museums. 

San Thome looks like every other Catholic Church from a distance. In fact, with all the humidity in the air, it felt a lot like Minnesota. 

This is not a fresco of the Virgin Mary, but of Our Lady of Mylapore. As I looked more closely inside, I could see the mark of India on Rome. 

I think the Catholic church assimilates easily in other cultures because it's historical roots in pagan and medieval Europe still reflects the idolatry and superstitions of it's beginnings. After all, the doctrines of this church were born in the middle east and, throughout it creation, they flowed from the very Eastern religions it's leaders dismissed as hersey. It is, to my mind, very unlike the more modern incarnations of Christianity which were forged in Europe during the renaissance in reaction to the Catholic church's power. This church exemplified the modernization of India to me. Although on the outside it looks very foreign and western, on the inside it is Indian.

When we arrived at San Thome it was nice and clear. Almost as soon as we got inside, it began to pour. Buckets.

Within minutes, the parking lot was flooded and we were soaked just going from the church to the museum. These women waded up past their ankles in this puddle and the one just to the right of them was knee deep in about 20 minutes. 

So, Nyasha and I braved the wet again too, said good bye to St. Thomas, hopped back in the Autorickshaw and headed off to Marina Beach...

If you make it to Madras, be sure to make a stop here, just remember that between 4 and 5pm the power will be out. The scheduled power outages are one of the few things that are not on IST. 

Home in Mylapore

Mylapore is the oldest residential section of Madras (Chennai). This is where most of my time in India was spent. As soon as I got out of the taxi Sharanay's mom hugged me and welcomed me home like a long-lost relative.

"Karie," she said,"I will treat you like my own daughter. Don't be offended."

Well said. She was astute. After all, our families are often the people who bug us the most, but I knew what she was saying. Guest are treated with distance, family with closeness. That is exactly how I was treated while I was there; like family. It was comforting, happy, stressful, generous, silly, frustrating, charming and enlightening all at the same time.

I got scolded just like a daughter, I got fed, I got cared for...I got an experience most tourists never get. Real home cooked meals, chat's with the neighbors, reading the news in the morning with Tata, watching the kids go to school, laughing with my Desi mom and lots of hugs. Like all families, I wouldn't say that it was un-stressful, but, like real families, it was with the best of intentions and affection.

There are not many things to do in Chennai of major historical importance except live. So, I consider that I got the best of what Chennai has to offer: a family. Here are a few pictures from some unhurried days in Madras...

Relaxing.

Tata on the roof after taking me to visit the neighbors up stairs. I wish I could have taken pictures of them. She is an accountant for an international firm, he works for the World Bank and they have one child. Unlike Westerners they choose to live with their parents in an average, middle-class apartment upstairs from Sharanya's parents. The day we went to visit I sat and talked with the men (and young boy), all in their Doti's   (what Sharanya's Tata is wearing in this picture). Not only was the World Bank employee wearing his Doti, he was shirtless, covered in strips of white ash and wearing his Brahmanical chord and designer specks. 

Children headed to school across the street. I really enjoyed just listening to the goings on and children laughing outside the windows. Every afternoon some of the school boys would strike up a game of Shuttlecock (Badmitten) in the street. 

To say this is the kitchen would be mis-leading. This is more like the dining area. There was a proper kitchen for cooking and a small, separate closet for doing dishes next to this room. But, like any good kitchen, it was the heart of the house and where many of the best conversations took place. 

A huge amount of time was spent at the table relishing Padma's delicious cooking. Now those are some Dosa! For those of you who don't know, Dosa are savory, eggless pancakes. As Brahmins and vegetarians, Sharanya's family does not eat meat or eggs. 

Doing some shopping and going to Parthasarathy temple. I will have more pictures of this temple and of Kapaleeswarar temple in Mylapore soon.

At the grocery story. Wow - where is all the packaged food? There was a little bit, but nothing like what we have here. 

The pace of life in Madras was very different than the pace of life in the US. Although it is busy, it was not as hurried as here. And Padma and Rajagopal did an amazing job of making us feel like we were not tourists or even guests, but like we were home. 

Wedding Preparations

The first ceremony I participated in for the wedding began before dawn and was for raising up a banner. The red green and white banner was to announce that there would be a wedding in the house.

Sharanya's grandmother (Pati) had gotten up early to wash the front porch and draw Kolam's (or mandalas) on the ground with rice water.

Five women from the neighborhood came to give their blessings for this ceremony. They buried offerings in the ground with the first pole.

Other votive offerings, poojas (prayers) were given and incense were burned before the banner when up. 

We just watched.

After the ceremony was completed, Sharanya and I went around the corner (quite literally) to the local temple to give a small donation. These little temples are everywhere, in every neighborhood, tucked in back alleyways or next to stores.

All of the ceremonies I got to see and participate in were extremely interesting. This was just my introduction. What I saw was that India's traditions are struggling to be passed on. Sharanaya could not tell me many things about what her religion or wedding ceremonies meant. She is not a religious person, but I don't think that is particular to her, it is indicative of her generation. 

Hinduism is so complex and so pervasive in all things in Indian life, yet Indian's know less and less about it because they have (like most cultures at some point) rejected much of it as superstition in their hurry to embrace modernity. As her generation grows and experiences the world, some will come to an understanding that these kinds of ceremonies are not just about the votives, the superstitions and the omens. They are about the community. Sometimes these kinds of ties cut into us such as when here family was questioned on how they felt about her marrying a non-brahmin. Social pressures to conform can be difficult and even harmful. Sometimes these ties to the past are like life-lines to hold a community together. 

Look closely around the door frame of this little temple at the Tamil inscriptions. You will see something very similar around the entry of the Taj Mahal. Although it is in a different language, for, essentially, a different culture, these ritualistic and symbolic things help us make sense of the world. They give a point of reference like a compass. For thousands of years India has absorbed other cultures, other invaders into their folds. I wonder how it will handle the western psyche where unity is not understood, community means little and individuality reigns supreme. 

Mahabalipuram (Part 1)

Mahabalipuram, or Mamallapuram, was the chief seaport of the Pallavas who ruled over much of South India from as early as the first century B.C to the eighth century A.D., and it is now recognized as the site of some of the greatest architectural and sculptural achievements in India. Under the reign of Narasimha Varman (c. 630), this seaport began to grow as a great artistic center. The beautiful cave temples and gigantic open air reliefs carved from blocks of granite date to the seventh century. (http://www.sscnet.ucla.edu)

Mahabalipuram was not high on my list when I went to India, but the best things I found there were the one's I had not planned for. I absolutely loved this place. The thing is, there is SO much to see that there just isn't enough room on the average American tourists radar for wonderful sites like this even thought it is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Sharanya's dad procured a cab for us from Madras for the entire day which costs about 1400 IRP total (about $26 US) including the services of the driver. It took about an hour and a half each way. The entrance fee for the world heritage site is $5. For $20 each and lunch, this trip was one of the best bargains I got in India.

At the southern edge of Mahabalipuram is a group of five free-standing temples. Four of them were carved out of a single long granite boulder. These temples are actually detailed replicas of ancient wooden structures. These temples represent the rathas(chariots) of Arjuna, Bhima, Dharmaraja, Nakula-Sahadeva -- the five Pandava princes of the epic Mahabharata -- and their common wife, Draupadi. Work on these five temples was stopped after the death of Narasimha Varman in 668. (http://www.sscnet.ucla.edu)

This is site is so huge you could spend a week here before you felt like you have seen most everything. Because, by mid-day, the sweltering heat that radiates off the rocks drives you to seek a fresh drink in the shade. Nyasha and I did just that at a lovely eco-resort called INDeco Hotels which is situated, in walking distance, between the cave temples and the beach. I checked out the costs and it's about $65 to $140 US per night. We poked around a bit, their bar is nice and clean, their staff is helpful and their pool is lovely. http://www.indecohotels.com/ I personally think this is the place to stay and the place to arrange a proper guide.

The story of the Pandava's, to whom many of these temples are dedicated is found in the Mahabharata - an epic story of Iron age India. Most of the carvings at Mahabalipuram depict scenes from the Mahabharata, of   the Pandava dynasty and the Kurukshetra war, something akin to the Iliad. You can find a nice summary of this story at http://www.wmblake.com/stories/mahabharata/introduction.html

As Promised, here are some of the photo's (FINALLY) of beautiful and enchanting Mahabalipuram.

Downtown - just after the entrance to INDeco Hotel. This city is pretty clean for a tourist spot in India. 

A view of the Bay of Bengal and the surrounding area from the hill top.

One of the smaller Pancha Rathas carved, insitu, and completely from a single piece of stone.

Carvings in the cave and (the black pillar pictured right),
the Shiva Lingam.

  The Hindu scripture Shiva Purana describes the worship of the lingam as originating in the loss and recovery of Shiva's phallus, though it also describes the origin of the lingam as the beginning-less and endless pillar (Stambha).The Linga Purana also supports the latter interpretation as a cosmic pillar, symbolizing the infinite nature of Shiva. 

Looking up at the temple still in use today.

The Vahara Cave Temple. This depicts one of Vishnu's incarnations as a boar.

Mandalas on the ceiling

Stairs leading up to the hilltop temple. 

The highest temple.

A clan of monkeys.

These young men asked me to take their picture. They were enchanted with us and with Nyasha in particular. Although I'm sure they come, we didn't really see any western tourists. 

The Shore temple complex.

There was so much to see at Mahabalipuram, we didn't even get to scratch the surface in the short time we had, as we had to be back to Madras for one of the wedding ceremonies that evening. Even with just a single day's visit, I will have to make another post on it to properly show you all the shore temple and the beach. Stay tuned.....